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“The Dictionary of Corporate BS”

 Conference calls in the “John?”

by Donna Hedge, Assistant Editor, Expert Access interviews author, Lois Beckwith

Forget the corporate decoder ring.

All you need is “The Dictionary of Corporate BS” by Lois Beckwith. Expert Access sat down with Lois to learn what all the BS was about.

Donna: Why did you write this book?

Lois: I was having a particularly frustrating time at work [as a communications executive at a corporation]. It seemed like everyone was speaking in code and no one was saying what they really meant. I thought, you know, there really should be something that ties all of this together. That kind of decodes it.

That’s when I started writing “The Dictionary of Corporate BS.”

I write in the introduction, “If I only knew then what I know now.” It would have helped if I’d had this when I started my business career. Back then I thought all you needed was hard work and smarts. But if you speak to anyone in corporate America, they’ll tell you that that’s not enough. Going in with your eyes wide open is a lot better than a rude awakening.

“The Dictionary of Corporate BS” is more than a buzzword book; it’s more about the language and culture of work.

Bathroom: 1. the place where you go to perform essential bodily functions … 4. site of bizarre intra-gender scolding regarding hygiene [primarily female], found in the form of eight-and-one-half-by-eleven-inch sheets of paper taped to the wall castigating fellow users with statements in the spirit of “Your mother does not work here”; “Learn to love the art of flushing”; “If you sprinkle when you tinkle …” and “Were you raised in a barn?!”

Donna: Speaking of bathrooms … One day I had my most creative copy ideas in the second stall of the first floor ladies’ room. I seriously considered taking my laptop and making it my office for the day.

Lois: I created the Bullshi*t Bar Brigade to research this book. My friends and I would hit local bars in New York City during happy hour and ask business professionals about their stories. One person told us the tale of how an executive in her company would conduct conference calls while he was in the bathroom on the toilet. You could hear all the noises, flushing and everything. That’s one of those things that you think can’t possibly happen, but it really does. While it’s a completely outrageous and funny story, it’s indicative of the kind of disrespect that can go on in Corporate America.

Donna: Wow, that’s taking corporate BS literally.

Elevator etiquette: 1. unspoken, socially dictated rules abided by when entering, exiting, or riding in an elevator 2. code of conduct communicated through osmosis or by breathing the same air in a small mechanical box for minutes at a time; societal protocol includes men allowing women to exit and enter the elevator first and holding the door for them as they do so, pressing the “open door” button for someone racing to catch the elevator, avoiding using the elevator to go up or down one floor 3. behavioral guidelines that help make inhabiting a small box with strangers remotely possible, which include refraining from bitching or gossiping during a ride, or at the very least, using code names or pronouns when discussing co-workers; pretending not to be listening to a juicy conversation should one occur; acting as if you don’t see the CEO when he happens to board the car with you or refraining from telling him how screwed up everything is; making an effort to be subtle when checking out a person or their horrible/definitely not-appropriate-for-work outfit; riding the “close door” button to thwart others’ efforts to board a car; ignoring the fact that someone just farted, big-time.

Donna: Admit it. Haven’t you been guilty of corporate BS before?

Lois: As a corporate communications executive, I tried my best not to. However, you often need corporate bullsh*t to survive in some cases. It’s not all about lying or deceiving people. If you’re angry with your boss, you can’t just walk in his office and let it rip. You have to schedule a meeting and very calmly express your frustrations. You can use it as a way to protect yourself, to be seen as unemotional.

Donna: Who’s the guiltiest of using corporate BS?

Lois: People are equal offenders in using BS. HR uses it a lot - “Downsizing,” “re-organizing,” “more time with family. ...” It softens ugly messages. Sales and Marketing are guilty of it too.

FYI e-mail: 1. an e-mail sent with the goal of making someone aware of a useful piece of information 2. an e-mail that probably contains useful information that no one will read because “FYI” usually indicates extremely boring information is to follow … 3. an e-mail to send to your boss to serve as evidence that you are working.

Donna: So what is the one corporate speak you think has the most BS?

Lois: The word “thanks.” It’s meant as a phrase of appreciation. But in the corporate world, it’s used as a closing in your signature when there’s no intention of gratitude.

“Outside events have caused us to have to reduce parts of the company to improve efficiencies. Thank you, Human Resources.”

Donna: (note to self: change signature)

Lois: But I hate the word diversity. People talk a lot about it, but there are tons of misinterpretations about it; and not enough action accomplishing it.

Donna: Like Elvis said, “a little less conversation, a little more action.”

Lois: Exactly!

The “Dictionary of Corporate BS is available at book retailers such as Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble. Visit Lois’ Corporate BS website at www.corporatebs.com for an excerpt of her book.